Shiva's Scenes that Should Not Be (2013 Collection)
by Shiva-J
Summary: This is the collection of all the 'Scenes that should not be' that I wrote in 2013. Enjoy!
1. A Cure For a Summer Cold

**A Cure For a Summer Cold**

"Daaarrreeeaaaa!" Quinn whined with all the force of an annoying eight year old.

"What?" Daria growled, not bothering to look up from her copy of _Magic Kitten_ By Sue Bentley.

"Do you know a way to get rid of this horrible summer cold?"

"No."

"Daaaarrrreeeeaaaa!"

Daria sighed and was tempted to use bad language.

Then her eyes gleamed as a wonderfuly evil idea came to mind.

"On second thought, yet. I do know a way."

Quinn began to smile, then her dreaded summer cold made her sneeze violently, getting snot on Daria's bookcover.

Daria hid her surge of rage and said sweetly, "Have you ever heard of bloodletting?"

"Nope!"

Daria made a Mona Lisa smile and began to explain...

* * *

_Several Years Later..._

"And by the time the ambulance arrived, Quinn had lost nearly half the blood in her body." Daria said with relish, "She almost died."

"Now there's a pity." Jane replied with a shrug, "If she had the insurance money would have paid for a lot."

Daria nodded, "Like a new house, and we could have been friends for a lot longer."

Jane sighed, "Why didn't she die like she should have?"

Daria shrugged, "Because good things happen to cute people for no other reason than their cuteness."

"And they can be as dumb as they wish." Jane added morosely, "God this world sucks."

There was a moment of silence.

And then...

"Fuck it." Daria said suddenly, "Lets just find my sister, kill her, and make it look like a suicide."

Jane chuckled darkly, "I'm so in!"

And that's why a day later Helen found a pool of blood in Quinn's room with a note reading, _"I realized last night that I suck and stuff, so that's why I slit my wrists, let myself bleed out and junk, and then threw myself in the bushes outside to rot so the birds can eat me and junk. Love, Quinn."_

Helen just shook her head, "Nice try Daria, but Quinn's too stupid to write a letter _OR_ kill herself successfully."

She stared at the note for a minute before grabbing a pad of paper and began to write a new version with fewer words and cute hearts and smiley faces.

"There!" Helen chirped with a triumphant grin, "This is more believable."

As she planted the new note and began to work herself up into a good wail, she felt really good since it meant that the worst failure in her life would be gone forever and ever.

"Now I can work on making my smarter daughter a bit more social. Full time." Helen thought happily.

Until her phone rang and she forgot all about it.

**FIN and fade to the lalalaLAlala...**


	2. A D-Verse That Should Not Be

**A D-Verse That Should Not Be**

"Like OMG!" A montone voice boomed across the quad at Lawndale High.

Heads turned and gasps erupted from jaw-dropped mouths.

Walking out of a Lexus was a girl with auburn hair and a gorgeous face all dolled up with the right cosmetics, and she was wearing a pair of short-shorts and a barely there top, both of which almost seemed to be painted on.

Then as she got closer there were more gasps, it became apparent that her 'clothing' was in fact pure paint and other than matching colored underwear and a bra she was effectively naked.

"Like, who are you?" A brave soul named Sandi Griffin asked of the new girl.

"I'm, like Daria Morgendorffer," she said in an annoying monotone valley girl voice, "But you can call me Queen-Bee, because I now own this school, bitch!"

_"Who do you think you are?!"_

Daria smirked, "Hot shit that doesn't sound like a pre-op tranny!"

Sandi began to stammer, struggling for a comeback.

"You got nuthin? I thought so."

Daria then turned her attention to some good potential pawns and began to size them up.

Meanwhile in the Lexus, a girl in nice preppy clothes named Quinn saw her chance to get in the school without being associated with her sister and made a break for it.

She almost made it too, but some dude spotted a flash of redhair and called out, "Hey, who are you?"

Quinn ignored him and bolted through the front doors without a word to him.

"Bitch!" the guy yelled at the swinging doors.

Daria heard that and deduced what had happened, "That was probably my sister Quinn, a total closeted lipstick lezbo. Well anyway onto more important matters, _ME!"_

The guy in question, and everyone else that wasn't a popular girl that wanted to be Queen Bee agreed with her.


	3. A Scene No Daria FanFic Should Have

**A Scene No Daria Fan-Fic Should Have: Why, oh God WHY?! The Musical!**

"Oh, me oh my!" Daria sang as she looked down into the toilet, "There were _centipedes_ in my crotch nostril!"

She then busted out some disco moves, that just happened to bust the bathroom mirror.

In her room Quinn gave a sudden scream of horror and only found out why when she went to the bathroom for her second tier primping session.

In the kitchen Jake was dancin' like a foo wt dem pants on the ground.

And Helen was singin' into her cellphone like a microphone, and unintentionally scarin the hell out of her boss on the other end who wanted that memo on the back-breaker chiropractor case.

Just outside on a sidewalk along lovely Glen Oaks Lane, a little girl on a trike was unceremoniously kicked out of the way as Jane Lane just felt the urge to moonwalk her way to the Morgendorffers.

As the residents of Lawndale found themselves giving into the urge to sing and dance their otherwise regular conversations, yes even slumbering Trent was doin' his snoozing to the beat, the strangeness spread outward, the students of Fielding began Tap dancing, and Sue Bee was seen wearing a funky fruit hat...

From beyond the grave, the cackling ghost of Tommy Sherman was cackling in the most obnoxious way possible.

Since he used the first anniversary of his death to make his, Tommy Sherman's presence known to the residents of Lawndale through a totally gay musical day.

"Which according to that dude with horns will let Tommy Sherman be reincarnated by some lucky lady in town." Tommy Sherman's ghost which had escaped Slytherin/Hell where all the little douchebags and death eaters go (or so the Mormon that move in next to me says, and that I need magical underpants and to pray my gay away, but fuck him right? ).

But what Tommy Sherman would find out at the last possible second, once a certain girl met a certain guy later that night during a saucy town-wide rendition of Wicked and their hormones went from zero to a thousand MPH was who his parents were going to be.

Tom Sloane and Daria Morgendorffer.

Cheers!


	4. Creepy Things Kids Say

**Creepy Things Kids Say...**

"So Helen..." Linda Griffin said to her frenemy at the next barstool, "What's the creepiest thing that _your_ children have ever said or done?"

Helen barely hid her hatred for the bitch in front of her and took a swig of her beer.

"Well..."

* * *

_Flashback_

"Isn't this precious?" Helen cooed next to her husband as they watched their precocious daughter Daria meet Quinn for the first time.

Her face was impossible to read as she stared at the newborn babe.

Then she looked up at them and said, "I think it's evil, we should chuck it in a big fire."

* * *

"And then..." Helen muttered into her depleted bottle...

* * *

_Flashback_

Helen smiled while tucking in her youngest in her pretty pink bed in her pretty pink room.

Quinn looked up at her with those sweet eyes and said, "Good bye Mommy."

"Oh Quinn!" Helen said back with a laugh, "You mean Goodnight."

She smiled sweetly, "I know, but this time it's good bye."

Helen kept the smile on her face, but didn't get much sleep that night.

For some reason she found herself waking up with a slight wave of panic that only abated when she checked up on Quinn to make sure she hadn't left her bed that night.

* * *

Linda laughed, "Oh Helen, you had it easy. All three of my children were fond of sleepwalking into Tom and mine's bedroom with knives when they were little."

Helen could only muster a very fake, very brief, nervous laugh.

_(lalalaLAlala...)_


	5. Barch's Experiment

**Barch's Experiment**

Jane and Daria walked into Janet Barch's Science Room.

After classes had officially ended.

Normally they wouldn't be caught _sane_ doing such a thing.

But this wasn't the normal way of doing things.

Since Barch was cackling with glee, since she had Upchuck strapped into an electric chair, strange devices covered his entire scrawny pasty white nude body.

His eyes were being held open with duct tape, and there were ear buds in his ears.

The screams coming through his ball gag were disturbing, and music to the ears of any girl who had ever dealt with the King of Sleaze.

"So what's the experiment this week?" Daria asked as Jane looked at the screen that Upchuck was being forced to gaze upon.

It was playing the movie, Twilight.

Barch gestured towards the screen and added, "I'm also making him listen to Chinese Democracy, from the beginning to the end."

"Oh and I _may_ have added a whole bunch of subliminal messages into that atrocity that will completely kill this... this MAN'S! Sex drive."

Jane raised an eyebrow and asked, "Are we making him gay or a eunuch?"

Barch shrugged, "Whichever one works better."

The screams grew louder, and three women in the room gave smiles of such wickedness that it only made Upchuck scream louder and louder.


	6. Cracked Helmet

**Cracked Helmet**

"Hey Kev, you alright?" one of the nameless football players asked the figure sprawled out on the ground.

That last knock down was especially brutal since it cracked poor Kevin Thompson's helmet.

"I... I'm feeling... better... in _cognitive faculties_."

At the last you could hear a pin drop on the Lawndale Lion's gridiron.

Kevin slowly rose and pulled off his helmet and put two hands to his temples.

"I think that blow to the head caused whatever blockage that was affecting my cerebral cortex to dislodge." Kevin stated simply, clearly, and flatly.

Very flatly.

So much so that the team captain, Mack, was reminded of Daria.

It didn't help that instead of a goofy grin, Kevin was giving a Mona Lisa smile and his eyes were starting to shine with sarcastic intent.

For some reason Mack was as horny as a wolf and didn't know why.


	7. A Vegas Morning

**A Vegas Morning...**

Daria had woken up with a killer hangover and was now staring at her ring finger.

Which had a gold wedding band on it.

Then realized she was in white lingerie and there was a wedding dress and a tux on the floor of her hotel room in Vegas.

With her heart pounding in fear, she pulled the person sleeping next to her into the light.

It took a minute to recognize the beautiful stranger in her bed.

Vaguely, Daria remembered her old High School boyfriend Tom, and the time he had taken her on a tour of his prep school...

"Shuler?" Daria quietly breathed.

Daria's normally wooden face slowly morphed into a grin of joy and she slipped down the sheets to give her new husband, Shuler Kennedy, a proper good morning call.


	8. At the Dinner Table

**At the Dinner Table**

"So Daria how was school today?" Helen asked while setting down the roast beef she had lovingly prepared for her lovely family.

Daria gave a slight grin at her homemaker mother and replied, "Oh the same old, same old. Me and the girls dealt with our moronic teachers and then we went to Dega Street and bought some new stuff."

"That's nice sweety," Helen replied before sighing at the sight of her husband passed out at the table.

"He pulled another all-nighter didn't he?" Helen asked no one in particular and Daria just shrugged.

Ever since he had gotten the full partnership at the firm they were lucky he managed to show up at the house at all.

There was a mewling sound from the floor and Daria snarled with irritation before grabbing the cattle prod and zapped the pathetic figure down on the ground.

"Shut up you worthless sack of flesh!" she roared as the useless thing screamed in familiar pain, Daria made sure to hit all the sensitive areas with the prod.

Helen sighed, "Is the Mistake acting up again?"

Daria looked down at the figure chained in front of the dinner table, in nothing but rags and now soaked in it's own urine.

She sneered as it passed out and replied, "Not anymore."

Daria then stood up long enough to give it a few swift kicks with her steel toed boots, relishing as she heard bones snap.

Considering how stupid her former younger sister had been before she was enslaved by the family, being her elder sister's emotional punch bag was all that she was good for.


	9. Erin Celebrates

**Erin Celebrates**

"Congrads on the divorce!" Daria yelled loudly, and clearly three sheets to the wind.

Across from her in the limo, Erin Chambers giggled before chugging more champagne from the bottle.

"I agree with Daaaarreeaa!" Quinn slurred while eyeing what was left of the vodka.

Erin's eyes rolled in her head as the limo sped on down Fremont Street and said back very loudly, "I haven't felt this good in a long time!"

Erin held up the bottle in triumph and added, "I can't believe I wasted my time with that LOSER! But I'm free now!"

She then fumbled with the controls and opened the sunroof; Quinn and Daria were giggling and rolling around in the seats at her antics.

Erin then pulled herself up through the sunroof and was now exposed to the open air up to her midsection.

She then yelled to the city, "I'M FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!"

Daria and Quinn meanwhile were laughing like loons, the oblivious driver kept on driving, not realizing that a low hanging overpass was coming up awful fast.

Erin continued to cheer at her newly restored single status.

In the limo there came a sudden crunching sound and Daria and Quinn didn't have enough motor control to look quickly enough to see what had happened.

Or to figure out why they were suddenly soaked in blood.

But when they did, the screams were enough to get through to the driver that something had gone wrong.


	10. Dat A

**Dat Ass**

Trent Lane was sitting in the Morgendorffer's living room, having come around to find his Janie since their parents had actually called and he wanted to share the good news.

That they were going to have a new brother or sister soon.

But here he was, sitting on the couch, where Mrs. Morgendorffer had asked him to wait.

He assumed it was for her to get Daria and Jane.

Boy was he in for a surprise.

He heard her come back down the stairs and Trent's jaw dropped.

No longer in a figure hugging pantsuit, Helen Morgendorffer was now in a black latex catsuit that seemed painted on, she had a riding crop in one hand, and a giant tub of lube in the other.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you Trent," she said in a come hither voice, "But Daria and Jane left for a sex date with the Three J's, those kids really needed it considering that they always hang on my other, lesbian daughter."

"Well anywho... I'm going to make it up to you..."

Helen then gave him a very wicked smile, and a tap of the ridding crop to his left cheek snapped Trent back to reality.

"Uh... Thanks Mrs. Morgendorffer." he drawled.

Then he trailed off as she straddled him on the couch and asked him what he wanted.

Trent gave her a smirk and replied, "Dat ass!"

Helen giggled, "I figured you for an ass man... Well your wish is my command!"

The fly on the wall in the Morgendorffer's living room didn't move an inch for the next three and a half hours.

Since it was a fly on the wall, and it was getting the best show in Lawndale that night.

Baring the lewd and naughty activities of Daria, Jane, and the Three J's.

But that's another story...

_(lalalaLAlala...)_


	11. Jodie and the Hot Tub

**Jodie and the Hot Tub**

"Hmmm..." Jodie moaned as she slid into the bubbling hot tub, her nude form relishing the frothing liquid, "This is what I needed."

Next to her, Jane smirked, "You got that right Jodie."

Across from them Daria managed a rare smile and added, "There really is nothing quite like a bloodbath in a hot tub, is there?"

Jodie laughed in pleasure, her pearly white fangs on full display, the heated, bubbling blood painting her vampiric flesh a most desirable red.

As her Coven mates moved towards her with lust in their eyes, the only witnesses to this latest exploration of sensual pleasure were the countless dead bodies stacked off to the side.

Their faces frozen in twisted masks of horror, having endured pain beyond reckoning before being consumed by death, their blood now lubricant for three powerful and beautiful immortal women.

A mere flicker of nothing in the face of eternity.


	12. Daria has something to say

**Daria has something to say...**

As Daria took the stage, her foot nudged a strange can that was next to the microphone but she gave no hint of what was inside it.

"Hello everyone," Daria said into the microphone, "I have something to say and you are going to listen, because it's in the narrative."

She cleared her throat and began to speak.

"In this era of collapsing banks, whistleblowers that are vilified while authoritarian regimes are praised. In an era where democracies vote in theocrats and neo-fascists in the name of anti-americanism, when the global economy is giving rise to a handful of powerful plutocrats with a near-monopoly on the means of production and the people rant and rave about the threats of evolution and the hoax of global warming. In this era where intellectualism is looked down upon while toilet humor has been hoisted to the rarefied strata of fine art. In an era in which the people should have risen up long ago, instead can barely reach their rascals to make it to the fridge without suffering massive heart attacks. In this world that has clearly woven a series of collectable hand baskets for our collective trip into hell I offer simply this."

Daria picked up the can and opened it and poured the yellowish liquid inside all over her body and pulled out a match.

"Fuck this shit, I'm getting off this merry-go-round of suck before it gets any worse."

She then lit the match on the stem of the microphone and pressed it to her soaked coat, which proceeded to burst the combustible chemical into beautiful flames.

Daria then flailed her arms around like a wacky inflated wailing arm tube man until she died.


	13. Don't Mess With Skyrim

**Don't Mess With Skyrim!**

"Dar-ea!" Quinn whined as she entered the Morgendorffer's living room, "it's six in the morning, are you _still_ playing that video game?!"

"Yes." Daria said without taking her bloodshot eyes off the TV.

"Don't' you have something _productive_ to do or something?" Quinn asked in that annoying ass whine that made Daria want to snap her neck.

But since she didn't feel like getting up, she took it out on a Draugr instead.

"Probably." Daria admitted when Quinn began to whine again, "But in a choice between the world of Nirn or RL, I choose Nirn."

"But I wanna watch Fashion Vision!"

"Go to Sandi's then," Daria said as she _Thu'um-ed_ her enemies out of the way, "I'm sure she or her brothers will let you in."

Daria heard Quinn growl but tuned it out, big mistake.

Since Quinn stomped forward and did the dumbest thing she had ever done in her life.

She grabbed the power cord behind the Morgendorffer's living room TV and yanked it before Daria could begin to object.

"HA!" Quinn yelled in triumph, not seeing Daria rise to her crusty socked feet, her unwashed hair a curtain that couldn't hide the fire in her eyes...

* * *

_One Hour Later..._

As Daria cheered in triumph at defeating a Blood Dragon for it's delicious soul to power her Thu'ums, a redheaded figure was curled up in the corner ignored and forgotten as she rocked back and forth.

If anyone had bothered to look at this figure they could see that her eyes were wide and filled with fear, and she was mouthing silently, "Skyrim is good, skyrim is good..."

Over and over again.

From her new dent on the couch, Daria felt herself give a half-smile and wasn't quite sure why...

_(fade to credits and the lalalaLAlala... *drum beats* *silence)_


	14. Got a Little Captain in Ya?

**Got a Little Captain In Ya?**

Daria was forced back into the waking world since there was an inconsiderate jackass beating on her skull.

As she lifted her head up, her groggy mind realized that she was staring at her computer screen, her head swayed to the left, revealing a bottle of rum that was down to the dregs.

She rubbed her eyes, recalling the night before.

Her desperate attempt at breaking through her writer's block had involved a then freshly purchased bottle of Captain Morgan.

"Greater writers than I have found inspiration in this shit." she had told herself before downing her first shot.

Things got blurry about four or five shots in.

But apparently she could drink like a sailor.

If only she could remember what it was that she had done during the blacked out parts.

Meanwhile as she sat in her chair, willing her eyes to actually see without her mysteriously missing glasses, the fruit of her labors was a pretty impressive short story.

And hundreds of pages of a !uZ98%huh*Huh9G8nT9un94un#WD and the like since she had passed out face first into the keyboard.

The pirate on the label of the bottle winked before returning to his original pose.


	15. Daria Morgendorffer-Morningstar

**Daria Morgendorffer-Morningstar: The Daughter of Satan Meets the Messiah**

It had been a rough week for poor old Daria Morgendorffer, fifteen years old and freshly moved from Texas to the East Coast.

Not to mention that her father had died of a heart attack a day before they had left since their mother had been forced to confess to having had an affair with Satan himself.

Which had produced herself, Daria Morgendorffer-Morningstar.

The new lastname came with the annoying features of small red horns growing out of her forehead and a red forked tail that was a bitch to keep hidden, but the coat and a new hat had helped.

Now she was in the middle of a nosy nightclub caled the Zon, her damn demonic instincts having demanded that she spend her time in dens of sin and vice.

"If only my human side and my demon side could agree that 'Sloth' is the best sin of all." Daria mused to herself as she tried to tune out the bad music and worse company around her.

Then she heard the gravely voice of the latest band to take the stage, "Hey, we're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing the name. And this one's called, 'Ice Box Woman'."

For half a second she was interested in who was singing, he did after all look good and had a nice voice, but his guitar playing was crap and his lyrics worse.

Then as her gaze began to slide away it fell on the muscle-bound leather clad figure next to the singer.

His hair was brown and wavy and flowed like water as he played, his skin sun kissed and beautiful, and he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Who's that?" Daria asked no one in particular, and yet her newfound nature forced the nearest person to her to speak.

"That's Jesse Moreno." the random stranger said before turning back around.

Daria couldn't resist staring at him as he played the set, she took in his scent and found that it reminded her of... of...

"Are you the new Messiah?" Daria asked herself as the crap band wrapped up the first song and vomited on to the second.

She planned to find out, since both her demon side and her human Barksdale genes were screaming at her to jump his bone the first chance she got.


	16. Inspiration

**Inspiration**

"I give up." Daria complained while crumpling up paper from her notebook and wadding it up into a ball.

Jane turned from her painting and saw Daria add yet another paperball to her growing collection on the ground and said, "What's wrong?"

Daria moaned, "It's this stupid assignment from O'Neill... I can't come up with anything."

Jane smirked, "Well I have an idea..."

"What?"

She chuckled, "Well... If you can't think of anything to write then maybe you just need some inspiration."

"From what?"

Jane's smirk grew, "Shut your eyes and don't open them until I tell you."

Daria looked at her suspiciously but did what she was told.

There were rustling sounds, and a zipper that came down, something heavy hit the floor.

Then Jane said, "Open them."

Daria opened her eyes, and found that she couldn't blink.

Jane was now in nothing but a black lacy bra and matching panties.

"That's right Daria..." Jane said softly, "Just take it all in... And let me do all the work..."

Daria gulped.

* * *

_Three Hours Later..._

As Jane slumbered on the remains of her bed, Daria was curled up in a sheet, her notebook in front of her and her pen flying so fast on the paper that a thin trail of smoke was beginning to emerge.

She had plenty of ideas now...

**(lalalaLAlala...)**


	17. Grandchild of Evil

**Grandchild of Evil...**

"Ok Dad," Daria wheezed as they sat down on old deckchairs in the Morgendorffer's cluttered garage with the windows blacked out, "Why'd you drag me in here a couple hours before my first day in a new crappy high schools supposed to start?"

Jake sighed, "Kiddo I wish I didn't have to tell you this but..."

"But what?"

Jake sighed mournfully again, "This is difficult to explain, so I brought this old file..."

He then shuffles some papers in a pile next to him until he cries, "Eureka!"

And pulls out a dusty old and weathered leather case with a very easy to recognize symbol on the front.

"Why do you have a Nazi briefcase?" Daria asked incredulously.

Jake ignored her in favor of opening it up and tossing her some papers held together by an old paperclip, then he handed her some other slips of paper and said, "These are translations from German of what's in your hands, but the pictures will help too."

Daria was a bit perturbed by all this but her curiosity got the better of her and she began to read.

Then about three sentences in she stopped, blinked her eyes, and reread what she had previously read.

"Dad, what the hell?!"

"Daria just read it to the end, then it'll all make sense." Jake said without any false cheer.

There wasn't anything to be cheerful about this time.

As Daria read the old Nazi files the idle curiosity turned first to confusion and then to horror as the meaning behind all of this became clear.

Horrifyingly, terrifyingly clear.

Once she reached the end, her hands moved of their own accord and pulled out the photographs and her eyes took in the images, the comparison pictures, the scientists hard at work, the bizarre machinery, the tank, and the figure emerging from it.

"No..." Daria whimpered, "No, no, no, no, no, no!"

"Yes Kiddo," Jake said flatly, "It's true. My father, your grandfather wasn't really a US war hero, that was just part of his fake ID after the war. In truth he was a super solider, a _Nazi_ super solider and... He was based off of the DNA of the Fuhrer."

A keening sound that resembled a scream erupted from Daria's mouth.

Jake then said the thing that sealed the deal and removed the last possibility of denial on Daria's part.

"Mad Dog Morgendorffer really was Adolf Hitler's clone... We're not really the Morgendorffers, we're the Hitler's."

Daria's body settled on a course of action that her cognitive brain was unable to do since it was struggling to process this abomination of an info dump.

It knocked her out into merciful unconsciousness, but waking reality would hold no mercy for her.

For she was Daria Hitler and the heir to a legacy of _evil..._


	18. How The Past Relates to the Present

**How The Past Relates to the Present**

Jane was curious as to why Daria had insisted that they go to the school's library instead of the roof to have their lunch.

Then her friend pulled out a rather thick tome called 'The Reign of the Tudors' and told her to read the summary about King Henry VIII.

"Why?" Jane asked perplexed.

"Just trust me." Daria said with a wink.

Jane muttered several alrights before getting comfortable in one of the hard plastic chairs available in Li's heavily underfunded High School Library and began to read.

_Henry VIII of England, born June 28. 1491, died January 28, 1547. Known primarily for splitting the English church with Rome, he was also infamous for having a total of six wives, two of whom he executed..._

Then Jane's field of vision was blocked by Daria inserting a picture of Charles Ruttheimer III next to the portrait of Henry VIII.

"Well?!" Daria said insistently as her friend tried to solve the puzzle and came up with a blank.

"...I give up," Jane said and threw up her hands, "What is this about Morgendorffer?"

"Doesn't Henry VIII remind you of a certain creature that plagues the halls of Lawndale High?"

Jane sat very still for a moment before her body began to shake.

A couple seconds later her brain exploded from the back of her head.


	19. In the Bowling Alley's Supply Closet

**In the Bowling Alley's Supply Closet**

During the wait for their cheese fries, Daria excused herself and left Amy at the table so she could go to the bathroom.

A glance revealed that Brian had left the barstool he had been sitting on.

Daria turned a corner and entered a niche with four doors, two led to the gender appropriate bathrooms, and another was labeled 'Employees Only'.

The fourth was unmarked, no doubt a supply closet.

Then she heard a smarmy voice speak up.

"Hey Daria."

She turned around and found herself staring at her cousin's new husband, Brian Danielson.

"Hey." was what she said back.

They stared at each other for a long moment before they began to kiss passionately, their bodies melting into each other, slick sweat already forming in their wedding clothes.

"Ohhhh," Brian moaned as they slipped into the supply closet and shut the door, "I must havvveee youuuu!"

Daria hissed back a yes, even as she fumbled for the light switch.

As Brian worked his magic on the back of her dress, he was thankful he had taken his Valtrex that morning.

He had infected Erin with his herpes on purpose so she wouldn't have a choice but to marry him.

This gal however, deserved better than that.

As Brian hit it like there was no tomorrow, Amy was left wondering where Daria was.

Since her cheese fries were getting cold.


	20. It's Esteem, as in Esteeeeem!

**It's Esteem, as in _Esteeeeeem_!**

"How dare they put me in here with the _losers?!_" Val fumed to herself as she took a seat in O'Neill's classroom after school was supposed to be over.

Oh sure maybe she went a little too far in making fun of that one girl, who just happened to be related to the mayor. But Val was still convinced she had been doing that tramp a favor in pointing out that if you dress like trash, you will be treated like it.

She glanced at other kids and noticed that they were all unpopulars, and therefore not worthy of her time.

Because she was Val, as in _Val_.

Val smirked as she pulled out the latest issue of _Sandi_ and began reading, hoping to ignore everything that was happening around her.

Mr. O'Neill got around to showing up five minutes late and plunged into a speech about 'teens' and 'esteem', Val was tuning him out the best she could, but that damn fake-happy voice of his was starting to work her last nerve.

"And now..." O'Neill said in merry obliviousness, "A video!"

He flicked off the lights, and most importantly, cut Val off from reading that interesting article about who wore the latest slip dress better.

"HEY!" Val screamed at the top of her lungs, "TURN THE DAMN LIGHTS BACK ON!"

"Eep!" O'Neill squeaked and did what he was told.

"That was cool..." Some granola lesbo type said from behind her.

"Of course it was," Val said with a sniff to the nameless unfashionable mess, "Because _I_ was the one that said it."

"Because I'm Val, as in _Val!_"


	21. Jane's Aunt Lois

**Jane's Aunt Lois**

On day at the local Pizza Prince in boring old Lawndale, the Snarky Duo, Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane were eating pizza, drinking coffee, and in Daria's case also reading a newspaper.

All of a sudden in the middle of their usual, delicious routine Daria broke ranks by making an amused sound in her throat.

"See something funny?" Jane asked, "Like the funnies?"

"Nope." Daria replied while lowering the paper down, and shocked the hell out of Jane by revealing that her face bore a Mona Lisa grin.

"Daria!"

Daria just kept up the half-smile and said, "Your Aunt Lois got into quite the scrape."

She then handed the paper to Jane, who then read the article with a stoic face before sighing with exasperation, "Oh God! And the extended clan thinks that we Lawndale Lanes are black sheep. Ha! Aunt Lois can't go one _freaking day_ without landing into peril and needing that dude in the blue spandex to pull her bacon out of the fire."

"That's right Jane, get it all of your chest. It's not healthy to bottle it all up."

Jane just gave Daria a look.

"...Yeah, I'm not one to talk. But who cares? Your aunt's a hot mess."

"True," Jane conceded, "If she wasn't living in a town that always seems to be on the brink of total destruction me and Trent would have moved in with her ages ago. I know Summer's kids would have."

Daria winced, not wanting to open up _that_ particular can of worms.

So instead she said, "More pizza and coffee?"

"Please!"

(fade to the credits and the lalalaLAlala...)

(drum beats)

(silence)


	22. Learning Something About Mack

**Learning Something About Mack**

"So what is it that we're doing? I mean besides breaking countless laws?" Daria asked as she watched Jane pick the lock at the Mackenzie's.

"We are going to find out more about our mysterious, and yet affable classmate Daria." Jane answered as she opened the door.

They tried to move quietly, difficult to do considering their boots but they somehow did it.

There were strange grunting sounds coming from the back of the house, so that's where Jane led Daria.

Who for some reason was still trying to figure out 'the why' of all this.

They reached a door where the sound seemed to be coming from, it was slightly ajar.

Jane pushed it ever so slightly and took a peek.

Daria saw her jaw drop and took a look herself.

Then wished she hadn't.

It took every fiber of their beings to prevent sound from betraying them.

Another loud grunt emerged from Mack, then a moan.

They heard him purr, "I'veee beeeen a baaaaddddd kitttieeee..."

Another turd fell out of his butt and landed in the oversized kitty litter box he was standing in.

The sight of him then wiggling his butt nearly broke the Snarky Duo's resolve.

Realizing the danger, Daria tugged on Jane's shoulder and they slunk out as quickly and as quietly as they could.

But the image of Mack in a Catwoman costume, taking a dump in a litter box would haunt them for the rest of their days.


	23. Kevin With His Mates

**Kevin With His Mates**

In the early light of the morning, Kevin found himself to be the first one to wake up.

He had to remind himself that he was the only one who was a morning person.

Especially since he didn't want to get punched for waking anyone up, on a weekend.

So he got out of bed carefully so it would disturb anyone in the group.

Then, in his Ratboy boxers he looked at his lovers, Robert, Ted, Tom, and Luhrman.

"I'm glad we managed to get the custom bed," Kevin thought as he scratched his well used bum, "I hated how the two Kings we put together always split apart at the worst possible times."

They all looked so hot the way they were, sleeping peacefully, still sticky with the fluids all five had generated the night before.

Kevin decided to have a shower before asking their housekeeper, Yolanda, to make breakfast.

As he exited the oversized bedroom in what used to be Sloane Manor, Kevin wondered if that scientist had finished the project.

"Cus it would be so cool if we could have babies ourselves, rather than rely on women and junk." Kevin thought with a shudder.

All those years wasted with blond bimbos when he could have been getting some _real_ love, it was tragic and stuff!

He slipped into the bathroom, rubbing his washboard abs absently.

Curious as to how it would feel, swollen with a beautiful baby inside.

Made from one hundred percent MAN!

The blood went to his groin, but he decided to wait until at least one of the others woke up to have it taken care of.

Rather than waste it in the hot water of the marble shower.

It was so nice to be taken care off.

The fact that his parents no longer would take his calls and junk didn't bother him a whit.

Kevin Thompson had his mates, and they had him.

Everything was perfect.


	24. Just a Phase

**Just a Phase**

"2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate? Lions! Lions! _Lions!_"

As the Lawndale Lion's cheerleading squad continued to do their performance even as the Lions kicked serious Taproot butt, Daria and Tom watched the spectacle along with the rest of Lawndale.

But unlike the rest of the Lawndale, they weren't staring out of enjoyment.

"So you tried drug therapy, right?" Tom asked, unable to take his eyes off of one particular cheerleader.

"Yes, but you know how her family is. Total immunity from drugs, since their parents had done pretty much everything prior to conception."

"And your mom still can't get the courts to authorize electro-shock?"

There was a big sigh from Daria, "She needs at least one of the wandering lanes to sign off on it. And Trent's still convinced that this is just a phase."

Tom pointed at the bouncing, bubbly figure of Jane Lane, or _Janie_ as she insisted on being called these days, in her Lions uniform with pom-poms and said, "A phase should end _before_ the likes of Kevin Thompson begins to hit on you since you're on the squad."

Daria nodded and indicated to a figure seated a few rows above them in the bleachers, a lone girl with unbound blond hair in a pair of jeans and a blue belly shirt, staring at everyone on the gridiron like it was something she wanted to attack.

"Maybe when Brittany snaps and goes kamikaze we'll get _our_ Jane back."

"God I hope so," Tom answered, "It was hard enough to work up the nerve to slum it and ask a townie out. I don't want to fall back on Plan B already."

"And what, pray tell is 'Plan B'?"

"Oh you'll see..."


	25. The Offering

**The Offering**

In the pitch black of night there were faint flickers of light coming from candles sitting on the ground in a semi-perfect circle.

Four teenage girls stood looking down a freshly dug grave in the middle of the woods.

In the bottom of the hole was an old potato sack that was still twitching.

Pity. For the person inside that is.

"We give to the, like Gods of the Underworld this offering!" The leader said first while cutting the palm of her hand and flicking blood onto the sack.

She passed the knife to her second in command.

"We give to the Gods of Death this offering." She said in a happy voice and cut her palm and flicked blood onto the sack.

She passed the knife to the third highest ranking girl, and laughed as a scream ripped forth from the bag.

"Iiiii giiivvveee toooo theeee Gooodsss ooooffff Ssssooouuullllssss thiiiissss oooofffffeeerrriiinnnggggg."

The third girl also cut her palm and flicked blood onto the bag, and ignored the leader muttering, "Tiffany dear, if you drag the invocation out any further then we might as well give up."

Tiffany then passed the blade to the lowest ranking person in the group.

The Lowest wheezed nervously, "Iiiii giiivveee to the Gooodddss offff rebirth this offferrring."

She then cut her palm quickly and avoided looking as she flicked her blood on the bag.

The instant that the last of the blood touched the bag, strange purple light began to rise up in the pit, quickly covering the potato sack, the screams and tears and pleas for mercy grew and grew, and Leader relished every minute of it.

The purple light grew more and more brilliant as it reached the rim of the hole.

"It's time!" The leader hissed with glee.

Without needing to be told further, The Lowest took a small cup that had been set aside for just this moment and placed it into the light and pulled it back quickly.

She then displayed the once empty cup to the group; it was now filled with a purple liquid that smelled like death.

They each took a sip from the cup in reverse order and chanted, "So Mote be."

As soon as the cup left the Leader's lips, she chucked it at the light and it shattered into a million pieces that floated in the light for a tantalizing moment before sinking away.

Then there was a sudden flash of white light and the sound of lightning.

And jsut as suddenly as it had all begun, it was over.

The group looked at the space where there had once been a hole, now there was fresh grass and soil, seemingly undisturbed.

"The Gods have like, accepted the offering!" The Leader cheered.

"This is great Sandi!" her Second added with glee, "Not only did we get rid of Tori and her fat mouth, the gods were pleased enough that our youth will be preserved until we turn sixty!"

"Iiiii wooonnndddeerrr ifff weeee caaannn offfeeerrr sooommmeeetttthhhiinnnggg eeelllssseee toooo stttaayyy yooouuunnngggg fooorrrreeevvveeerrr." Tiffany pondered.

"I don't think there's anything _that_ good out there Tiffany," the Lowest replied with a sigh.

"Don't worry about that Sta-ce." Sandi stated back, "There is and we'll find it."

As the rest of the Fashion Club agreed with her, Sandi hoped that it was true, otherwise one day she'd have to become, _old!_


	26. Lindy's Car Crash

**Lindy's Car Crash**

It had looked like something from a movie, as in a brief moment of stillness Lindy saw the other car through her windshield.

No matter how much she had tried to brake, there simply wasn't enough time.

She felt the impact as metal crashed and crunched into metal, sending Lindy's vehicle and the other car spinning in the intersection.

Her seatbelt kept her from flying through the windshield.

She began to raise her head up, and then her ears registered another screech of breaks on the icy road.

Lindy began to turn her head just in time to see a large truck coming right at her car.

It was the last thing she would ever see.

* * *

"Lindy..." Quinn whispered sadly to the small figure in her oak coffin.

She tried to say something profound, but all she could do was sniffle.

Quinn then moved away, letting the next person in line to pay their respects.

She took the nearest available seat and let the tears drop, not caring about her makeup anymore.

Now that her friend was dead.

Quinn had to admit that she had expected something like this to happen, due to Lindy's obvious drinking problem.

But the toxicology report had been conclusive, Lindy had been sober that night, had followed all the rules of the road right, had only gone through the light when it was green.

The same couldn't be said for the first car, that guy had been drunker than hell, but the truck that had killed her...

It had simply been a matter of his brakes locking up at the wrong time on icy roads, and nothing more.

"At least this wasn't your fault." Quinn whispered to a dead girl before she lost the last of her composure and began to truly cry.


	27. Penis Snakes in a Classroom

**Penis Snakes in a Classroom**

As Janet Barch unleashed her hatred of all things male on her science class, as usual, one Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie had the air of a man that was waiting for something.

His girlfriend hadn't noticed, since she was asleep with her arms around her head due to being overworked, but this was normal.

Mack glanced at the clock every few minutes, and only Jane and Daria had noticed.

They were both curious about what was up, and then Mack looked up and smirked.

He shifted in his seat and went back to waiting.

Then Barch went back to her desk.

Mack's grin grew very twisted as he did something underneath his desk.

Suddenly there was a loud beeping sound and a secret trap door opened above Barch's head and a mass of snakes fell on top of her.

"Hey," Daria asked casually as Barch screamed bloody murder as she was bitten over and over again, "Aren't those penis snakes?"

"Why yes Ms. Morgendorffer." Mack answered as the rest of the student body either freaked out (the girls), or cheered (the guys).

"Cool." Jane replied, she and Daria being the only ones not bothered by what Mack had done.

Barch's flailing grew weaker and weaker, her moans of agony softened, and Mack stood up and walked over and looked down.

Wanting his face to be the last thing she ever saw.

**The End**

lalalaLAlala...


	28. The Ride Before the Show

**The Ride Before the Show**

In a white stretch limo, Daria sat with Jane and Quinn, all of them in expensive fashionable clothes from stores like Christian Dior, Prada, and Versace.

"How much longer till we get to the club?" Jane asked while pouring herself another glass of champagne.

"A few more minutes depending on traffic." Daria answered while teasing her pet poodle with a treat.

"I heard that the show sold out in a matter of hours," Quinn added while going through the liquor cabinet, trying to find some vodka.

"Of course it did..." Jane began to say before yelling "Motherfucker!"

A bump in the road had nearly made her spill her booze.

"What kind of sick limo ride is this?!" She complained even while grabbing the bottle, intending to drink it straight.

Quinn in the meanwhile had found the vodka and was downing shots.

From her seat Daria snorted a line of coke and randomly yelled out, "You look like a whore!"

"Don't we all?" Quinn teased before offering her sister a shot glass.

Daria did the shot just as they pulled up in front of the club.

"It Showtime girls..." Jane purred before making sure that her boobs looked extra hot in her skimpy clothes.

"Let's show these bitches what we're made of!" Quinn roared with a fist pump in the air.

"...I hope that there are lots of cute guys with big cocks for after the show." Daria teased as the door to their limo opened, and the roars of their fans drowned out everything else.

It was time for the Trillionaires to make an entrance and do their set.

* * *

_Note: I based this very loosely on the intro of the song 'I Like Money' by the electronica duo (previously a trio) the 'Millionaires._


	29. Lunch at Crestmore

**Lunch at Crestmore**

"So how's Jane?" Jodie asked as Daria took her seat at the table in the small diner that tended to serve the students from nearby Crestmore U.

Darin answered, "She's fine, now that she's settled in at BFAC."

Next to her a guy in ratty clothes, spiked blue hair, and countless piercings and tats slipped his hand into hers under the table and replied, "And it only took ten minutes to get her situation in her dorm."

Daria blushed at the contact even as she said back, "Well Bob, the Lane's aren't known for having too much luggage."

Jodie laughed, "Yeah, but I'm glad that her brother decided to follow her to Boston, it'll either help his music career, or convince him to pursue other work."

"Trent work?" Daria said in a robotic tone, "Does not compute."

The three of them fell into a laughing fit that was only interrupted by a voice with a Texan drawl.

"What's all the hubbub?" Clayton Arbusto asked as he took the last available seat at the table, which just happened to be next to Jodie Landon.

"Just chatting about an old friend." Jodie answered before kissing him softly on the cheek.

"And saving our sanity in this place." Bob added with a laugh as their food finally arrived.

The server hadn't bothered to take their orders, since all four of them always ordered the same things over and over again.

"Coffee." Bob and Jodie both sighed as they hit the Morning Joe in the middle of the afternoon.

Daria and Clayton both looked at each other, daring the other one to laugh.

Instead Daria asked the cowboy, "So how was your sociology class?"

Clayton snickered, "Terrible, the professor knows less about the subject than I do, and that's saying something."

Daria fought back a laugh and covered it with a cough.

Bob lifted his head from his coffee, "I thought you weren't doing Sociology until next year."

Clayton shrugged, "I thought I'd knock it out now, in retrospect I wish I had waited. Oh well."

Jodie put an arm around his shoulder and replied, "No loss, so mind sharing some of those fries with me?"

Clayton grinned, "Not at all ma'am."

Jodie playfully punched him, "I'm not a ma'am, remember that."

"Yes ma'am." Clayton teased.

Bob and Daria just shook their heads before turning to their food.

Just another late lunch at the diner near Crestmore.


	30. Quinn was Dumped

**Quinn was Dumped**

Jaws dropped as Quinn Morgendorffer walked into Casa Morgendorffer much earlier than usual, and covered from head to toe in what looked like (and certainty smelled like), well...

"I just got dumped." Quinn said listlessly, her eyes doing the thousand yard stare.

"In the most literal sense possible." Daria commented from the comfort of her seat on the couch.

"Daria!" Helen exclaimed in offense.

Quinn turned her vague gaze on her elder sister and stared for a second, then with a speed that defied her mental condition scooped some of the fecal material from her hair and flung it right at her cynical sibling.

Outside Casa Morgendorffer, horrified monotone screams could be heard for hours...

(fade to the lalalaLAlala... *drumbeats* *silence*)


	31. Quinn Snaps at Tiffany

**Quinn Snaps at Tiffany**

"You know what Tiffany?" Quinn snapped at her fellow Fashion Drone, "You're right. You are fat. You are a fat little moo cow! Oh, who am I kidding?! You are a HUGE fat moo cow."

Quinn wheezed in a big gulp of air.

"You know what you should do? You need to go in that bathroom and throw up, and shit, and repeat that until you are thin. And don't you DARE come out until you are presentable to society. Got it?"

Tiffany continues to give vacant cow-stare.

"GOT IT?!"

"...Sooooo, doooeeeessss thiiisssss maaaassssccccaaaarrrraaaa maaaakeeee meeee looooook faaaaatttt?"

At that point Quinn let loose a bellow of rage and tackled the much thinner and weaker girl and wrapped her hands around her throat and _SQUEEZED!_

And she didn't let go until the bitch stopped twitching either.

"Yes Tiffany," Quinn said to the limp figure, "That mascara makes you look fat!"


	32. President Sue Bee

**President Sue Bee**

_Approximately 15 Minutes into the Presidency of Susan Ruttheimer (nee. Bentley)_

"What have we done?!" screamed the masses as swastika banners unfurled over the patriotic American flags.

"Mein People!" President Sue bellowed into her microphone, "The time is at hand for a NEW and GLORIOUS SOCIETY!"

As one the seemingly ceremonial soldiers trained their weapons on the fearful crowds, hunting for any hint of dissent.

Across the nation as those bothering to watch the swearing-in froze in horror, agents loyal to their new ruler were killing off the opposition with a surgeon's skill, quick hits that were as clean as they were precise.

Not that they hadn't been working at it for years beforehand, but it was important to deal with 'high-profile threats' at the last-minute, it caused the potential troublemakers to become paralyzed.

Meanwhile as the new absolute ruler of the States continued her speech at the podium, her Vice President and the architect of the hostile takeover allowed a hint of a smile on her mask-like face, only the gleam of her eyes behind her glasses hinted at the possibility that Sue was but a puppet.

And that she was the master.

The only thing that pleased her more was the three people behind her, her two husbands and her wife.

Tom, Trent, and Jane Lane-Morgendorffer-Sloane.

But Daria tuned in just in time to hear 'Her Supreme Majesty' talk about purging the unspecified 'filth' from their society.

It worked out better this way to leave it vague and pick their enemies from any rising opposition than to make an enemy up outright.

"But we are going to need to level all of the faux Roman monuments in this excuse of a city," Daria thought to herself about DC with a sneer, "More imposing symbols of my, I mean the _State's_ power will be created to quell the sheeple."

As Sue then gave a Nazi Salute that was mimed by everyone present, most from fear, but it was the emotion from which good peons were created, Daria whispered to herself.

"Daria was born on this date, my life before this has been a mere shadow of the glory to come."

The collective mass of humanity all around the world shuddered and didn't know why.

Most of them prayed that they would never find out.

Their prayers were wasted effort.


	33. T&T

**T&T**  
_The One True (Crack)Ship_

Tom Sloane opened the front door of Sloane Manor, having been waiting for the doorbell to ring.

On the stoop was a Chinese-American girl in a blue dress who looked at him with vapid cow-like eyes and drawled, "Hiiii Toooom!"

"Come on in Tiff." Tom Sloane said with a happy smile and stepped to the side.

As soon as the door was firmly shut behind them the dumb look vanished from Tiff's face and she said in a regular voice, "Thank _God_ you were here! I was worried I'd have to deal with your bitch sister or your parents. I hate having to use that drawl outside of Lawndale."

"I know Tiffany." Tom replied politely before planting a polite kiss on her cheek, "I know."

Tiffany Blum-Deckler just gave him an evil green and opened her omnipresent white purse and pulled out a huge bag of weed and a couple spare pipes.

"Especially when I'm not blazin'."

"Oh, I know the feeling..." Tom said, clearly struggling to play it straight.

That obvious struggle caused them both to wind up in a fit of nervous giggles before Tom began leading her to his bedroom.

He suspected that they'd do their usual thing.

Get high, fuck, talk, smoke more weed, fuck more, talk more, and then depart before having to deal with (ick) other human beings.

He knew that one of the things they'd talk about is him going to Bromwell in the fall.

"After all Tiffany is going there as well," Tom thought with glee, "Those advanced placement classes she was taking paid off big time!"

He hoped that she'd take pictures of her friends faces when she revealed everything, she had been playing _everyone in Lawndale High for suckers for years!_

"And here I thought that Daria and Jane were the best things available in town," Tom thought, "And I still want no part in the head cases at Fielding."

Then Tiffany poked him the chest.

"Tom!" She said with a giggle, "Stop thinking about the past. It's time for special-fun-time together."

Tom gave her a lusty leer but added, "Can I at least think about how we got together in the first place?"

Tiffany just turned to the readers and said, "Should I?"

But before we could respond Tom turned her face back to him and just made a no sound in his throat before kissing her and pulling out a lighter.

That mystery would remain mysterious unless a fanfic writer named Shiva gets off his ass and writes another part to this improbable coupling.

Toodles!

_*waves*_

(Tom and Tiffany are getting high and Tom is feeling up her boobs in her dress)

_*more waves*_


	34. The Selling

**The Selling**

"So Mack," Jane said to her fellow alumni of the hellhole that was Lawndale High during their mini-reunion in her apartment, "How'd you do it?"

"Do what?" Mack replied while eyeballing the last slice of pepperoni pizza.

"How'd you go from running a struggling ice cream factory and turn the whole thing into an international conglomerate that managed to buy out Ben and Jerry's in less than six months... and with Kevin as your partner."

Mack laughed and his eyes began to glow with a vile green light, Oh that's easy, I sold my body to Satan, for an entire lifetime."

"You're body?!"

"Yup," Mack replied with an unnatural wicked laugh, his eyes now solid green orbs, "Turns out you can sell that instead of your immortal soul, but no one read the fine print until I came along."

"But... But what exactly can Satan get with your body?"

Mack's smile became quite perverse, "Quite a bit..." He started off before explaining every single thing that he and the Lord of Darkness had done thus far.

By the time he got to the part about the Hellhounds having their merry way with him Jane had already thrown up twice but was still wanting to get in on this as well.

After all with the economy in the crapper there wasn't much in the way of money rolling in for talented artists with actual artistic integrity.

By the end though Jane did have one more question.

"What'd Kevin sell?"

Mack's now completely demonic laugh rang across the room, "The big idiot sold his body _and_ his first three son's bodies for all of their natural lives as well."

"But I thought Kevin didn't have any kids...?"

"Guess where Brittany Taylor is right now."

"...So that's why she went missing."

"Exactly, so now let's get in touch with His Infernal Majesty, shall we?"

Jane nodded eagerly, even while wondering if she could sweet-talk Daria into this too.

After all Daria had even more integrity than she herself did, and the only way a writer could make money with the advent of the internet was to write the next Twilight.

"We'll fix that," Jane thought wickedly as Mack used her landline to call his secretary to set up a ritual summoning for the next full moon.

She had two weeks to sell Daria on the idea, it turned out that she only needed five minutes.

_Hail Satan!_


	35. Sandi's Dirty Secret

**Sandi's Dirty Secret**

Once Sandi had her curtains shut, her door locked, and the latest (and most fashionable) pop music playing as white noise did she feel safe.

She slipped out of her clothes and left them in a corner, then crawled under her bed and removed the duct tape that held a box above the ground.

Where her annoying little brothers wouldn't think to look, especially with the decoy box on the floor right where they would see it.

Sandi opened the real box to reveal her filthy, dirty, and yet sexy secret.

A clump of red hair, an old tape player with headphones, and a picture of her secret crush.

Sandi got on her bed and turned on the tape, and let her hands go downstairs.

In a few minutes she was hissing in pleasure, and said to herself...

_"Ohhhh Charles. Like, talk nerdie pervie to me!"_

Unknown to her, the object of her affections had bribed Quinn Morgendorffer five hundred bucks to install spy cameras in Sandi's room about a week ago.

Currently he was passed out in his chair in front of his computer, twitching every few seconds.

Not to mention in need of a change of undershorts.

(lalalaLAlala...)


	36. The Three J's Get a Dog

**The Three J's Get a Dog**

"That Daria girl is cool." Jamie said to the other two J's as they left the Morgendorffers.

"Yeah I know," Joey replied as he tugged on the leash in his hands.

Jeffy laughed, "Who would have thought that the best way to land Quinn was with her sister's help?"

Jamie gave an evil grin as Joey petted the head of their new 'dog'.

"Some behavior-modification and drug therapy and volia! The perfect girlfriend... I mean dog."

At their feet, crawling on her 'paws', the freshly shaved, spayed, leashed, and collared female bitch once known as Quinn Morgendorffer followed in the wake of her three masters, occassionally rubbing up on their legs and making happy noises.

Wanting to make sure that they were pleased with her.

Jeffy then took his turn with the leash as they found the car, they had a whole weekend planned out in a nice cabin in the woods.

And their new pet would be put through her paces, and thanks to Daria's hard work, they knew that it would be the best weekend ever.


	37. Sandi For Jesus

**Sandi For Jesus**

"LIKE, REPENT!" Sandi screamed while waving a big sign saying that the End was near, "THE END IS, SO TOTALLY NEAR!"

Nearby the now dour dressed girl, the Queens of Snark were watching Sandi Griffin make a spectacle of herself in the name of the Church of the Western LutherSectarianMethodist Way of the Lamb (in Partial Communion with the Anglican Church).

"You know I almost prefer the popularity obsessed version of Sandi." Jane stated flatly as the girl began throwing Abstinence-Only pamphlets at the cheerleaders.

Daria cocked her head as Brittany tried to make sense of the pamphlet in her hands.

"But if we don't sleep with our boyfriends then HOW will we make sure that they don't cheat on us?" Brittany asked the piece of paper.

Daria almost seemed to smirk and commented, "By dating someone with actual loyalty."

"In this school, doubt it." Jane added.

Sandi then began to do some holy rolling and speaking in tongues.

But since no one understood what she was talking about normally anyway, no one really took much notice.

Then she rolled herself hard enough that she accidently cracked her head on one of Daria's boots and knocked herself out in the process.

"Is she dead?" Jane asked with reluctant worry as a pool of blood began to slowly bloom from Sandi's head.

Daria shrugged, "Does it matter?"

Jane mulled that and answered, "Nope."

Daria's half-smile was the perfect answer.

Then they walked away, leaving the mess to be sorted out by someone else that could give a crap.

(lalalaLAlala...)

**FIN**


	38. Tiffanyzilla

**Tiffanyzilla**

Daria and Jane watch the news, regular not Sick Sad, and it's very watchable since it was a live feed of a 65 and a half foot tall Tiffany Blum-Deckler rampaging through downtown Tokyo, shooting fireballs out of her mouth, and destroying buildings with flicks of her hands.

"So... How'd this come about?" Jane asked thinking out loud.

"Well..." Daria mused, "If I was a betting woman, I'd say that Stacy found that special trunk I have hidden in my room filled with spellbooks and magical potions and tried to get her revenge on Sandi."

"...Why would you bet on that?" Jane asked in confusion.

Daria explained further.

"...She used the red potion instead of the green poison and put it in the wrong drink."

"...Oh."

Screams in asian gibberish grew louder on the tube as Tiffany shot tentacles out of her massive vagina, which began to grab people and cars off the ground and threw them at the incoming soldiers.

"Rrrrroooooaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!"


	39. Truth Potion

**Truth Potion**

"Uh Jane?" Daria asked as they approached Chez Pierre.

"Yeah Daria?"

"Why are we here?"

Jane gave her friend an evil grin, "I pulled a serious prank on the Fashion Victims... You see I borrowed Nurse Goodnsexy's bracelet and went to the Harry Potterverse and got some Truth potion."

The grin grew even more twisted, "And I _may_ have slipped it into the drinks of Quinn and her friends..."

Daria's grin now matched Jane's.

* * *

Peeping from a nearby table Daria and Jane now had a bird's-eye view of the Fashion Club celebrating Quinn's 17th birthday together.

Their waiter, Robert of the Lawndale Lion's was on hand and had just asked what they wanted.

"I'll have the lesbian salad." Sandi said and a moment later clapped a hand to her mouth and stammered out, "I-ii mean th-the _lobster_ salad!"

Robert just raised an eyebrow and moved on to Stacy.

"I'll just have a slice of Sandi's pie." Stacy replied, then when the other girls gasped she began to hyperventilate, "OH MY GOD! I mean a slice of _cherry_ pie."

Quinn snickered, "Sandi isn't a virgin."

Then her eyes bugged out, "Oh my god! I didn't mean- I-iii mean."

Quinn joined Stacy in hyperventilating.

Tiffany just drawled out, "Caaaannnn Iiiiii juuuusssttt haaaavvvveeee sooommmmeeee leessssbbbiiiaannnnaaaiiiidddeee?"

At that point Daria and Jane were unable to hold back the belly laughs, and Robert just shook his head and said.

"At least you four are being honest, so Ted and me will be seeing you at the teenage Gay/Lesbian meet n greets?"


	40. Two Sharks

**Two Sharks**

One day as the DariaShark and the JaneShark swam side-by-side in the great blue sea they found a strange sight.

There was one of those funny wooden fish that occasionally dove under the waves and, one in a blue moon gave up it's tasty human-innards, and speaking of human-innards...

Look! the DariaShark told JaneShark with mysterious Shark-telepathy.

What?

DariaShark nudged JaneShark with her snout and indicated towards something.

Oh I see! Human in cage. So sad. We must free him! NOM NOM NOM!

The two sharks then swam towards the cage where the poor human was moving franticly about, no doubt trying to get out of it's cage to become their NOM NOM NOM!

DariaShark hit the cage.

JaneShark hit the cage.

Cage didn't break.

NOM NOM NOM! DariaShark said to JaneShark, Must free human so we can have NOM NOM NOM!

Poor, poor human JaneShark thought back, He fight hard to get out of cage so he can be NOM NOM NOM in our tummies!

The two sharks then had a merry time trying to break the cage, until sadly something made the cage move on up and out of the water, and away from the sharks.

We lost our NOM NOM NOM! DariaShark said sadly.

JaneShark comforted her as best she could, There will be more, lots of NOM NOM NOM to be had

DariaShark agreed with her just as the scent of beautiful whale blood reached them, there was NOM NOM NOM to be had.

So the two sharks swam away to get some NOM NOM NOM!

NOM NOM NOM!


	41. Untitled Quinn n Daria Bonding Moment

**Untitled Quinn/Daria Bonding Moment**

"Hey, you were right Quinn," Daria said gleefully as Tom gasped his last breaths, "Killing people _is_ fun!"

"Of course it is Daria!" Quinn replied with a big smile while smearing more of her sister's would-be paramour blood on her face, "It's the closest thing to sex that I've ever wanted to experience!"

Daria lifted the ax high above her head and brought it down on Tom's exposed back.

_Thwack!_

A low groan of agony erupted from Tom's mouth along with a lot of blood, his body shook and vibrated, Quinn pressed a hand up against his exposed flesh, then he suddenly went still.

The only sounds now were of Quinn moaning erotically as she started to touch herself with the hand that had felt Tom Sloane die.

Daria smiled at the freshly made corpse, "Bastard thought that he could get me to make out with him in his car, didn't want to man up and break up with Jane the right way. Well he got what he deserved!"

She then spat on him and said, "You look better this way Tom boy... Oh what's that? Is that your death erection? Well maybe I'll have it bronzed, get some use out of you for once!"

Daria began to laugh, even as thoughts of comforting Jane during her time of grieving and finally seducing her filled her mind.

"We should have more family moments like this." Daria would later tell her sister, who very much agreed.

Lawndale was never the same again.


	42. The Watcher

**The Watcher**

Unnoticed in the audience, a teenage boy in cheap shoes, a grey sweater, and khakis had watched with more than a hint of wistfulness as his two exes participated in their High School graduation ceremony.

"At least Daria was able to get one last dig." Tom thought to himself as the ceremony was drawn to a close, and having seen more sports trophies handed out than he had ever wished.

As the restless crowd began to get up, families heading to their robed kids, congratulations pouring from every mouth, Tom got up to leave quietly.

His brief time of freedom was over, tomorrow was his own Graduation from Fielding and he would have to fulfill his family's expectations to the fullest.

It would be the last time he would ever see Daria and Jane again.


	43. Upchuck-Chan

_AN: I can't believe I wrote this, please forgive me._

* * *

**Upchuck-Chan**

"I can't believe I've got all these h8ers!" Upchuck yelled at his computer screen while cramming more McDonalds into his mouth.

He looked down and sighed, his fat belly hid the sight of his tiny, tiny penis.

But in his drawings it was super big and the perfect tool in completing his Love-Quest!

He smirked at his computer while his scanner finished uploading the last page of his latest in his super-awesome fan-comic with his TOTALLY original characters.

Not to mention his star, ah his star... Moepi.

He then set to work in getting the latest issue on his website, after all his real fans would love the latest issue of _Moepi! The Super-duper Three Stooges and Pokémon Genetic Alliance Team-up Special!11!_

Upchuck then looked around his love-den and beamed as he took in his collection of action figures from every conceivable cartoon, comic book, video game, movie, what have you, imaginable.

"I rule!" Upchuck yelled and tried to fist-pump the air.

But then he got tired and wondered if he should take a nap.

Then his mommy knocked on his bedroom door and asked if he wanted more McDonalds.

"Yeah!"

That taken care of he checked his email and found a new email from that totally hot model who wanted his hot dong.

"Oh Julie!" Upchuck crooned at the computer screen, "What do you desire?"

He learned she wanted more pictures of him dry-humping live animals.

"Feisty!"

Meanwhile at the local police station, a thirteen year old boy named Link was showing the police all the nasty things he was being sent by a pervert named Charles Ruttheimer III.

He did neglect to mention that he was baiting Upchuck to do these things, but he had covered his tracks well and besides.

"Anyone with the kind of time in their life to make up something like 'Moepi' needs to be in jail." Link justified his actions to himself once more.

Not that he needed to, he was doing the world, the human gene pool, and fandoms everywhere a MASSIVE favor.


	44. Upchuck Asks About the Skirt

**Upchuck Asks About the Skirt**

"Oh my sweet little flower," Upchuck said in his usual Upchuckie voice, "There is a question that burns deep in my soul-"

"Cut the crap," Daria intoned with a voice that could kill, "What do you want?"

Upchuck started to stutter, "Iiiii. I just wanted to ask... uh... Why do you wear such a low-cut skirt since you are, well..."

"In an oversized, form hiding coat." Daria concluded for him.

Her usual cold glare softened and she said in a more quiet voice, "Well, it's quite simple. My Octomonster needs air."

"You're octo-what? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Upchuck had begun to ask before Daria's shirt was blown upward in the front and a twisting and swaying mass of tentacles emerged from within.

Two seconds later, anyone that was walking outside of Lawndale High would have been stunned by the entire building seeming to explode with what appeared by an endless wave of tentacles that didn't seem to be connected to anything.

The only survivors were Jane, Robert, and Ted, the latter two of whom had snuck out into a van in the parking lot to play 'hide Ted's snake inside Robert'.

Jane was deposited safely outside of the building by a set of tentacles, patted on the head, and a note with a promise of some good tentacle lovin' later that night.


	45. What's Going On?

**What's Going On?**

Jane wasn't quite sure at first what the hell was going on, even after she downed three pots of coffee (and leaving the teacher's lounge quite barren of that special liquid) and rubbed her eyes very hard.

But her mind finally processed what she was seeing standing before her in the morning light, filtered through the iron barred bullet proof glass of Lawndale High.

Daria Morgendorffer, the infamous hero of countless fanfics and a cartoon series that lasted for four seasons, was wearing girly blue jeans, nice shoes, a strappy top with glitter, lots of makeup, and the right accessories.

"Hi Janie!" Daria said in a voice with actual human emotion in it, "Isn't it a great day?"

Jane felt all the blood rush from her face, her jaw dropped to form a scream, then things went from bad to horrific.

Mr. O'Neill came up into her line of sight and pulled Daria into a hug, and her friend _let him do it!_

Jane managed a tiny squeak of protest when they proceeded to kiss, and grind up against each other a bit as well.

Daria smiled at her friend and said, "Oh, I'm dating Mr. O'Neill, and I know what you're thinking, how did I land a catch like this? Well I just had Ms. Li seduce Barch, then I gave Timmy here all the love and comfort that only a Barksdale woman can provide."

O'Neill made a growl and added, "And Daria can provide a lot!"

Jane felt her eyes roll into the back of her head, sparing her the sight of this atrocity before slipping into the bliss that was passing out.

Daria and O'Neill both looked at each other for a second before the school's only English/Language Arts teacher for all four grade levels shrugged and pulled out the mysterious brainwashing device he had been given by those friendly aliens that had given him the best anal probe in his life.

He pressed it against Jane's neck and smirked.

"You'll love the new you." he told her before kissing her forehead, "Almost as much as I will."

He then picked Jane up with his new inhuman strength and headed to his homeroom, which he had a mysterious free period despite his massive workload.

Daria followed in his wake like a puppy, eager to please and happy as a clam.

Only a tiny part of herself, deep within her mind tried to protest, tried to fight back.

But it was for naught.

Not even having to spend the next hour having sex with newly brainwashed Jane Lane for O'Neill sick pleasures was able to awaken the real Daria.

It was O'Neill's world now.


	46. When A Daria Meets A Mary Sue

**When A Daria Meets A Mary Sue**

Many years later, Daria would look upon MS Day with a mixture of feelings that she would then proceed to wash down with a fifth of vodka, regardless of where she was and what she was doing.

Which is why she got that ban at the Holocaust Museum in DC last year.

But cut back to her Junior year in Lawndale, a few days after Jane had met the man that she now knew as ex-husband number four.

She and Jane had been at their lockers, preparing for their usual trek to the roof of the school in lieu of going to study hall when a chance glimmer in the corner of her eye alerted her to a change in the air.

Everyone, and I mean _everyone_ was falling backwards, giving her a bird's eye view of this new figure striding down the halls.

It was a girl, the most beautiful girl that Daria had ever seen, putting most Hollywood actresses to shame, perfect figure and makeup, which was encased in a trendy top, an unzipped leather jacket, very tight jeans, the coolest looking shoes, and to top off her different vibe, her hair was dark black with a few red streaks.

"Who's that?" Jane asked from the background.

"Dunno." Daria replied as the girl came within hearing distance and turned to a previously unused locker and began to work the dial.

"But I think we're going to find out." Daria added quietly.

She couldn't have been more correct if she tried.


	47. Untitled Scene 1-1-13

She smelled what was happening a nano second before her ears registered the sounds.

A familiar siren song for anyone that lived among the rock n' roll set.

Or had ever set eyes on Dega Street.

Jane felt her feet follow the familiar old path to the only working bathroom in the house, the door had been left wide open.

On the floor she found her brother, naked, on his knees, and worshiping the toilet.

She waited until he was finished, and was able to roll off to the side, his offering almost overflowing the rim, before saying anything.

"Happy New Year." she said to the heaving, puke crusted, naked mass on the linoleum.

"Happy New Year, Janie." Trent wheezed back as his little sis began to walk away.


	48. Untitled Scene 1-5-13

"Jane, I kissed Tom." Graham said as he approached the artsy girl.

"What?!" Jane yelled and Tom winced.

Meanwhile Daria looked puzzled, wondering how in the hell that the kid from Grove Hills managed to come here and mack on the rat-bastard from Fielding who was dating _her_ Jane.

Tom in the meanwhile began to protest, "But I don't even know-muhhhhfffff!"

He was interrupted by Graham planting his lips right on his and giving him some tonsil hockey that he'd remember until his last breath was spent.

Graham then pulled out and added, "Let me correct myself, _now_ I kissed Tom."


	49. Untitled Scene 1-7-13

"You know Trent that the dinosaurs didn't go extinct, what happened was that Barney showed up and they all commited suicide."

"Whoa... Janie I think you just blew my mind."

"No, that's the coke you snorted earlier."


	50. Untitled Scene 1-14-13

"Hi! It's me, Dar-ea, as in _Daria!_ and it's my pleasure to present a signed copy of the latest issue of my magazine, Daria."

*giggle*

"It's about fashion, and me! Dar-ea, as in _Daria!_"

*giggle* *giggle* *giggle*


	51. Untitled Scene 1-18-13

In the dark watches of the night, when the mind is in-between awareness and sleep, one Daria Morgendorffer found her hand slipping ever-southward, her hips slowly humping the air, and moaning with flashes of her dream man in her eyes.

"Lord Voldemort," she cooed, "Give me some lovin' with that snake-face of yours!"

Meanwhile across the hall, Quinn Morgendorffer was wide-awake, paralyzed with horror as she listened to her elder sister's wet dream.

Not even her special clump of hair taken from all the hot girls in Lawndale High could bring her comfort, much less unhear the things that she heared that night.


	52. Untitled Scene 1-29-13

During their trip to India, Jane couldn't resist asking Daria this question after she used the bathroom.

"So, how was the squat toilet?"

"I didn't like it," Daria admited, "But I know someone who would."

"Who?"

"Former Senator Larry Craig."


	53. Untitled Scene 1-20-13

"You got the camera ready Jane?"

"Yup, you sure those heels of yours will stay on Daria?"

"I made sure the straps were nice and tight, but did you remember the cute little animals?"

"Oh yes..."

"Great, now let's make this stomping video happen!"


	54. Untitled Scene 2-1-13

In the center of what used to be a sitting room in Sloane Manor, Tom Sloane was enjoying the afterglow as he got more comfortable on one of the mattresses in the room.

Since surrounding him was an actual damn harem.

Right at his sides was Daria and Jane, next to them was Quinn and her friend Sandi, then Stacy and Tiffany, and rounding them off were Brittany and Jodie.

"I could die a happy man now," Tom thought to himself, "Or I could live and do this all over again in the morning."

Since he didn't die that night, he made the right call.


	55. Untitled Scene 2-3-13

"Your baby is so pretty Daria, but what's his name going to be." Jane asked as her friend lay in the hospital bed with a baby on her breast.

"I'll name him after his father."

"And who is that?"

Daria smiled, "Charles Ruttheimer Jr."


	56. Untitled Scene 2-3-13 (second scene)

In the Headmistresses office of Hogwarts, one Daria Percivella Wulfurica Brianna Dumbledore was justifying making Harry Potter's life a living nightmare so he would be in the right state of mind when it came time for him to die for the Wizarding World.

"It's for the Greater Good!" she told her reflection in the mirror while sucking on a lemon drop, laced with a calming draught.

She made sure it wasn't the ones reserved for guests, those were laced with Liquid Imperio.

"What is the suffering of one boy against the big picture?" She reminded herself once more.

She still felt ashamed, and for some reason Fawkes had abandoned her years ago, she had been forced to make due with Owl's covered in glamours to look like the old bird.

"For the Greater Good young Harry must destroy the horcruxes of Lady Quinnmort before dying at her hands!"

Daria Dumbledore sighed, "Then I must slay her in turn... For the Greater Good of course."


	57. Untitled Scene 2-4-13

Jake watched his little kiddo stumble out of the downstairs bathroom, she was walking a bit bowel-legged, which would have raised warning flags in anyone else.

But this was Jake Morgendorffer, the King of Ignoring the Elephant in the Room.

He even pretended so hard not to hear her mutter, "Matches... matches..." that he wound up forgetting that she was even in the living room.

Big mistake.

Since he felt natures call and headed on into the downstairs bathroom.

In the kitchen as Daria rummaged through the hardware drawer, trying to find a book of matches, the sounds of retching filled the house.

She sighed, "Dammit Dad!"

Then she shrugged her shoulders.

Since now there was another human being who regretted her jalapeno nacho lunch more than herself.


	58. Untitled Scenes 2-7 & 2-10

_2/7_

As eight year old John-Thomas Sloane danced around in his room to the latest girly pop songs, one of his bed sheets a makeshift dress, and wearing some makeup he had lifted from his mother's rarely used supply.

The mother in question was watching him silently from his doorway.

"Well," Daria thought to herself, "At least we don't have to worry about him knocking up some girl in his teen years."

She made a note to ask his 'Uncle Terry' to take the lad under his wing when the time came.

* * *

_2/10_

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle." Daria said aloud once she and Tom were in their bedroom.

Tom just smirked and replied, "Pay up."

Daria grumbled and dug fifty dollars out of her purse, still stunned at the notion that her boy, John-Thomas (or J.T. to his friends) was for all his metrosexual nature as straight as an arrow.

As she handed the money over to her husband, Daria was just glad that her son's newly pregnant girlfriend was level-headed enough to make for a decent baby-momma.

Even if she wasn't ready to be called 'Grandma Sloane'.


	59. Untitled Scene 2-8-13

Everyone in the halls of Lawndale High froze in mid-step as suddenly the janitor's closet, (AKA the makeout room) burst open and Robert stumbled out, wheezing and panting and covering his mouth.

His pants spilling all across the floor, exposing his My Little Pony briefs, and an impressive package.

Being the ones nearest to the door, Daria and Jane had a birds-eye view of Tiffany Blum-Deckler pulling her panties back up and smoothing out her dress.

Then she said something that caused the guys to retch and the girls to explode with laughter.

"Iiii'mmm sooooorrrryy fooorrr Quuueeeffffiiinnnnggg innnn yoooouuurrr mooouuuttthhh Rooobbbeeerrrtttt..."


	60. Untitled SCene 2-13-13

"Yoko Ono."

Said Daria.

When Trent asked her who her favorite musician was.

For the rest of his days, he was unable to understand why Daria liked Yoko Ono but thought his band sucked.


	61. Untitled Scene 2-14-13

"Tom kissed me Jane."

"What?!"

"He kissed me Jane, I'm sorry but he did and... I hated it."

"...Wait, what?!"

"He kissed me, and it sucked. But it did help me realize something."

"What?"

With that, Daria pulled Jane towards her and gave her a passionate kiss, her tongue sliding in and out of her best friends mouth, learning her taste, exploring sensations that neither knew were possible before that moment.

Meanwhile, the student body watched the two of them starting to really get into it and thought the same thing. (yes, even Kevin)

_"Fina-freaking-ly!"_


	62. Untitled Scene 2-17-13

"Uh Daria?"

"Yeah Jane?"

"I have a question."

"Ok, shoot."

"How in the hell did you manage to birth a Human/Dementor hybrid?!"

"Well... When a girl and a soulless abomination love each other very much..."

"Arrrrgh!"

"...She lets it's suck her soul out and put it back in, over and over again."

"AAAAAAAAA!"

"Along with it's cold, undead penis."

_*clunk!*_

"...Then a couple days later you get the urge to murder your parents. Then use their bodies along with your sister's freshly removed entrail's to build a nest, birth your hybrid, then watch it eat your barely alive sister and laugh."

_*nothing*_

"Uh Jane, you alright?"


	63. Untitled Scene 2-18-13

"I can't believe people think that we hate each other!" Quinn said as she lay next to her lover in said lover's bed.

Quinn's lover laughed, "I know, what morons!"

They both gave into a fit of giggles before Quinn rolled ontop of Sue Bentley and kissed her velvet lips softly.

"My roommate won't be back for another two hours Kiki." Sue whispered as her hands began to tease Quinn's soft, puckering flesh.

The wicked grin that Quinn gave was all the reply required.


	64. Story Sample

_AN: This is a little sample of a story I worked on last year, I presented the very first sample without a title. The story is currently only on PPMB as 'The Great Genderswap of Lawndale!'_

* * *

Ever since that fateful day when the unidentified flying object had flown over Lawndale and had flashed a strange light over the town, the people were coping with the... _changes_ that had come about.

As Darius Barksdale and Jay Lane walked to school, the subject of his name change came up.

"So your father managed to get Grandma Barksdale to concede defeat?" Jay asked rhetorically.

"Yup," Darius answered with a flex of his new muscles, "We're now officially the Barksdales now, and my Dad is now the heir to the Barksdale fortune."

Jay snickered, "Aunt Rita must love that."

Darius sneered, "Oh you could say that... You should have seen the look on her face after Dad told her point blank what he was going to do."

"Well she shouldn't have laughed at her new brother Harold then." Jay replied with an indifferent shrug.

As Lawndale High came into sight, Darius was already dreading what was to come.

If he had believed Mr. O'Neill was bad, it was nothing compared to _Tina O'Neill_, who now felt that as a woman, she needed to be even more sensitive than before.

"At least DeMartino hasn't changed a bit." Darius thought with relief.

Then he remembered that with the mass gender flip, Mr. Li had been able to shanghai the newly minted guys into the sports teams on the basis that it would help them 'cope with their new situation'.

Jay was back on the track team, and for hormonal reasons was back with Evelyn.

"You can't judge him for that," a nasty voice whispered to Darius, "After all you and 'Charlene Ruttheimer' are rutting away like jackrabbits."

As they reached the school, they were greeted by several new acquaintances, Darius hesitated to call them friends.

But ever since 'the Swap', everyone in Lawndale had discovered rather quickly that the only real support system that they had was each other.

Darius caught sight of his brother Quinton an his friends, the Former Fashion Club, now members of the basketball team, following in the wake of the Three J's, Jeffah, Josephine, and Jamie like lapdogs.

Darius snickered and pointed it out to Jay.

Jay shrugged in his letterman jacket and said, "Oh how the pendulum swings."

"You've got that right." Darius muttered as Charlene came up to them, wearing the skimpiest thing she could get away with and not break Li's dress code.

"Oh Darius!" she chimed merrily, her bouncy red hair framed by those sexy big ears and freckles, "Would Jay mind if I borrowed you for a minute... or an hour?"

"Not at all." Jay said with a big smirk, "Knock yourselves out."

Darius grinned and replied, "Supply closet, and you better be ready Ms. Ruttheimer."

Charlene giggled, "Yes, sir!"

As Darius walked away, wrapping his arm around Charlene's waist, hand firmly on her butt, Jay noticed Dan Barch staring at the two of them like a deer in the headlights.

"Poor Male Barch." Jay thought as he headed off to find Evelyn, "Even after all this time he still can't get over the shock of having a penis."


	65. Untitled Scene 3-11-13

Daria made sure that the door to her room was firmly locked and the window shades firmly shut, the lights came off and only then did she feel safe enough to turn on her laptop and brought up Twitter.

Then she made a very un-Daria like squee and began to respond to the h8terz.

"Like omg! Justin Bieber is rockn'rollz! You sluttzz need ta recogniza!"

On another tab she pulled up a site with pics of Justin without his shirt on and squeed even louder.

"He's soooo hotttt." Daria moaned before going back to twitter to defend her man dammit!


	66. Untitled Scene 4-24-13

Like in most horror movies it was a dark and stormy night, the lightning crackled through the windows, revealing the silhouette of a boy walking through a living room with something shiny and sharp in his hands.

Things in the last month had gone from bad to worse, nothing was what it should be, and now...

He had the power to make it all _better..._

* * *

"So how are you holding up...?" Daria began to ask before she rethought that, "Nevermind, dumb question."

"It's ok Daria," Mack managed to say through his hoarse throat, "And I'm doing ok... Considering."

He then glanced around the side room at the local funeral home, blissfully empty compared to the rest of the packed house.

Then again when a family like the Landon's are murdered in their sleep with no leads or clues, one could expect a crowd at their funeral service.

As Daria did what she could to comfort him, Mack had to use all of his acting skills to keep the smirk off his face.

Once he had gone through a sufficient period of 'mourning' he'd work on making Daria his new one true love.

"Her family is nuts but not as bad as the Landon's." Mack had thought when he chose his future girl with Jodie's body still nice and warm, "They've got good connections, a better reputation, and yes the race thing will work against us, but the Morgendorffer's are liberal enough to be ok with it."

He just had to endure the rest of the service, the burial, people's condolences, then he'd be free and clear.

When Daria turned to leave, Mack allowed himself a very slight smile.

His new, better life was just about to begin.


	67. Untitled Scene 5-5-13

Tom smiled at the email from his ex-girlfriend Daria, oh sure their breakup hadn't been the best thing in the world but hey. That's how the cookie crumbled, right?

He read the title, "Here's a fun story to read."

He opened it and found a note and a link.

"I found this fanfic a little while ago called 'My Immortal'. I think you'll find it to be enjoyable, I know I sure did.

-Daria"

"I'll give it a shot." Tom muttered and opened the link and began to read...

* * *

"AAAAARRRRRAAARRRRRAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!"

"MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS EYES!"

As Tom continued to scream and scream, the room seemed to shake, knocking the rich boy out of said chair and onto the floor on his rich boy butt.

"oooppphh!" he cried in rich boy pain.

Then went back to screaming in My Immortal induced pain.

He didn't see that his computer screen had turned into a goffik looking portal, nor the pale hand with black nailpolish on the nails that emerged from it.

A goffik vampire in Hott Topik clofink by the name of Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way stomped onto the floor in her high heeled lace up boots and sneered.

"You suxx wurst han mueeee!" she screamed all goffik and sexily.

Then she pulled out a great big steak and tried to kill him with it, but since it was a steak and not a stake it failed.

But it did get Tom's attention, and as he realized that his new worst nightmare had come to life, Tom found that his thingie wanted to do things that no human being should ever do with Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

But then she showed him her you-know-what and they totally did it for the first time.

h8ers gonna hate, nu preps r pozurs! FANGZ!


	68. Untitled Scene 5-12-13

"I'm going to **PROVE** that I can be just as good as Daria," Quinn muttered angrily as her fingers flew on the keyboard, "Then she won't have a leg to stand on."

Quinn Morgendorffer was sick of her older sister pretending that she was better than her for having a brain, when it was clear that being popular was better and that brain were losers and failures.

Now Quinn was going to show Daria that if she wanted to be a brain, she could, and do it better, so her bitchy older sibling had better watch out and junk.

"Ok now I have the account," Quinn said to herself as she looked at the icky nerdy website with a shudder but steeled herself.

It was for a good cause.

Quinn smiled evilly as she reached the right page and began to type out the title.

**TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W A VAMPIR**

"So awesome!" Quinn squeed to herself at the thought of how her first Twilight fanfic would prove that she could do this writing shit too!


	69. Untitled Scene 5-13-13

"Gee Quinn," Stacy cooed as she had lunch with her old High School friend, "I'm really impressed with how well you're doing."

"Thanks!" Quinn chirped while eating her salad, "It's not easy being the 'Plastic Surgeon to the Stars', but you know. It's my calling."

Quinn's cellphone began to vibrate.

"I'm sorry Stacy I have to check this." Quinn said apologetically while taking her Droid out of her purse and sighed at the text message.

"Great!" Quinn moaned, "Nicole Kidman blinked and tore her forehead open again..."

"Is it serious?" Stacy asked, not really up on all that medical junk.

Quinn chuckled, "Oh at this point all the nerve endings are shot in her forehead, Nicole can wait at least until we've had desert."

Stacy squeed in delight.


	70. Untitled Scene 5-15-13

"So what was your old town like?" Tori asked curiously.

Daria laughed, "Oh, it was a pretty nice place until things went crazy."

"Define crazy." Tori stated as she looked at the new popular girl.

Daria laughed before pulling out a tube of lipstick, "Well Angel Grove had all the advantages of being a town in southern California... Then we became the prime target of an evil alien witch with an endless supply of monsters. And our only defenders were a group of teenagers in spandex uniforms and super-robots."

Tori tried to respond to this but couldn't come up with anything, her jaw did drop though.

Daria took out a polaroid camera and took a picture.

Then she smoothed out her pretty blue top and decided that she should go shopping for more jeans.

A flash of carrot-red hair had her looking up.

"Quinn!" Daria called out and waved happily.

Her younger sister beamed and ran to her and they hugged.

"What's up sister?"

Daria smirked and pointed at the still stunned Tori Jericho, "Just telling her all about our old hometown."

Quinn laughed, "Glad she didn't stroke out like Sandi did."

The Morgendorffer sisters shared a laugh and then Daria asked if she wanted to go shopping after school.

"Duh!" Quinn yelled happily and nodded.

Daria then invited Tori along as well, once she got out of her shock, and the sisters walked away together, gossiping about their new High School and the people they now ruled over.


	71. Untitled Scene 5-18-13

"Daria!" Helen moaned as she walked out of the police station with her eldest, "I can't believe that I had to pay bail since you got yourself arrested for spanking a cop! What do you have to say for yourself?!"

Daria was quiet for a moment before stopping in mid-step to the car and said the following.

"He shouldn't have been so naughty if he didn't want a spanking then."

Helen discovered that it was physically possible to gag on your own breath and tongue at the same time.


	72. Untitled Scene 5-26-13

"I hate my job." Daria said into the mirror after her makeup team finished putting on her face.

She sighed once more before forcing herself to wear the equally fake smile just in time for one of the assistant producers to pop in and say, "You're wanted on the set Daria."

"Ok!" Daria replied in a voice that now had a faux Jamaican accent.

* * *

"Quiet on the set! Take one in 5, 4, 3, 2..."

As soon as the filming began Daria started speaking in that fake Jamaican accent to earn that paycheck for the only gig she could get in this crap economy.

_"My name is a Miss Cleo and call Me Now 4 yah free tarot readin'!"_

As she began fiddling with Tarot cards Daria felt yet another small part of her soul shrivel up and die.


	73. Untitled Scene 5-27-13

Daria brushed some of her iron grey hair away from her face and contemplated her next words, the sentences appearing on the screen in front of her.

_'But what most science fiction speculation stories of Old Earth failed to contemplate was the nature of the impact that SPACE TRAVEL would have on faith.' As humanity stretched forward through the stars, a distinct Spacer culture began to emerge from the hodgepodge of human pilots, pioneers, idealists, criminals, etc who left Earth behind in favor of the unexplored void. The sheer number of new religions that were birthed in that time are estimated to be in the thousands, most didn't survive more than a generation. However among those that did include the Issufi, Buddislam, Muunism, the Cult of Oneness, and of course the Inverness Faith that was born on the world of Dale. Then a backwater in the expanding reach of humanity, now the Capital World of the Empire of Man.'_

A chime sounded through the sensory relay, breaking Daria's concentration, she sent a message that the door was open. She was expecting this particular visitor.

"Your Highness," Jane said as soon as the door was closed behind her, "How are you today?"

"I'm fine," Daria replied to her faithful servant and friend, "And you can call me Daria, we are private now."

Jane smiled, "Of course."

Daria turned away from her personal pleasures and saw the old fashion hololedger in Jane's hands.

The business of the Empire beckoned and Daria assumed the role of Regent of the Empire and asked, "Ok, what's turned up?"

Jane just handed her the ledger and said, "The Counts of Lakenvold are complaining about their restitution from the latest skirmish in their feud with the House of Bieres. Again."

The Princess turned Regent for her toddler brother sighed, "Alright lets see the latest petition, maybe they've gotten someone creative to rewrite the same words they've sent the Porcelain Throne for the millionth time."

Jane chuckled, "Doubt it."

"Me too Jane, me too."


	74. Untitled Scene 6-2-13

"I wonder if I'll get a golden iPod out of this..." Quinn mused to herself while looking into the camera and gave it a thumbs up.

She then plugged in a nice new toaster to the extension cord she had set up so she'd have power in the backyard and sat it back on the picnic table.

She then grabbed the bottle of mixed painkillers and sleeping pills and downed the entire mess with a swig of vodka.

Then she took a straight razor and slit her writs, both across the street and down the road.

She grabbed the toaster and wobbled her way to the inflatable pool she had filled with water and starved piranha's and wanted to say something profound, but she started to feel really woozy and she found herself unable to remember her prepared statement.

"Oh well," Quinn slurred before plunging herself into the infested waters with toaster firmly in hand.

A few hours later when her body and the tape were discovered, a weeping Daria Morgendorffer found a note taped to the camcorder.

_'I hope this starts a trend. - Quinn'_

A couple days later this proved prophetic as Daria was found to have shot herself in the mouth and left her own note.

_'I can haz shotgun mouthwazhez!_


	75. Untitled Scene 8-1-13

"Sorry Danny," Stacy sneered at the bound and gagged figure of Danielle 'Danny' Todds on the table in an icky abandoned building on Dega Street, "But I've had first dibs on Quinn for too long to let some Johnny-come-lately Mary Sue bitch like you steal her from me!"

Stacy then revved up the chainsaw and held it high above her head, and relished Danny's screams and pleas.

_"And don't worry, I'm sure this will only hurt for a little bit."_ Stay lied.

It hurt until Danny Todd's heart gave out, and it hurt when she went to hell since Stacy had force fed her a voodoo potion designed to send people's souls to hell, regardless of merit.

The moral of this is... Don't mess with the emotions of a dangerous lunatic.

Peace Out!


	76. Untitled Scene 8-2-13

"Ok so let me get this straight," Jane said to Daria as they sat on a bench, looking at the vastly changed landscape, "Some sort of strange cosmic event caused our hometown of Lawndale to be sent back in time, thus birthing a brand new universe."

"Yup." Daria replied flatly as she watched the distant battle through a telescope.

"And it just happens to be in Germany, in the middle of the Thirty Years War."

"Yup."

"How bad is that?" Jane asked, since her knowledge of history outside of the US was a little thin.

"Well considering that the only two wars that were worse for Germany, or 'the Holy Roman Empire' as it's called currently, were World Wars I and II. I'd say... Without our technological advantage we'd be fucked."

"And how long is that going to hold out?"

Daria shrugged, "Well we won this battle, busted muskets against modern tech isn't much of a fight, but unless the machine shops start producing stuff quick... Yeah, it's not going to be pretty."

Jane just sighed, "Fine, I'll get my blowtorch."

"Good girl."


	77. Untitled Scene 8-14-13

"Ok so we all have super powers and we can travel through a multiverse seemingly dedicated to myself..." Daria drawled while playing with a small fireball.

"Humility doesn't suit you Daria." Jane replied while nibbling on an eyeball.

"But your werewolf thing does suit you." Quinn answered, only half paying attention as they watched Andrea use her odd psychic abilities to torture Sandi into insanity.

"I think Quinn needs more booze." Daria commented.

"Nah," Jane answered, "She, like the rest of us need more people to torture and kill."

Daria laughed, "Yeah that's true... God I love having power! We don't have to adhere to any laws anymore."

She then glanced down at the still knocked out Kevin and wondered if she should have her way with him now, or wait for him to wake up and add in some torture into the mix.

"Doesn't really matter," Daria decided, "There are Kevins and Macks and Toms and all sorts of copies of people to play with. He's disposable."

It was that thought that would bring about a whole NEW wave of horror to the Daria Multiverse.


	78. Untitled Scene 9-9-13

As Mr. DeMartino screamed in agony, his now empty right eye socket oozing blood and puss, the classroom stared in horror.

And disgust since the front row was now covered in gore, not to mention what looked like brain matter.

Except for...

"Finally! I was wondering how much more stupid crap I'd have to say before the bastard's damn eye exploded."

"Oh Kevy... The timing was perfect, this means that I won the 25,000 dollar betting pool!"

"Dammit! Jane, why didn't we think of doing that?!"

"Because that would require sinking down to Kevin's level."

"Oh. Oh, yeah. Damn ethical integrity."


	79. Untitled Scene 9-2-13

"Uh, honey?"

"Yes Jake what is it?"

"Uh... Is it safe for Quinn to be drinking Bleach?"

"Well of course it is... WHAT?!"

"Mo-om! I'm just making my insides all nice and clean! Plus I'm using a silly straw, so that makes it ok and stuff."

"...Okey-dokie!"

"Works for me... Oh, hello Eric! The memo? Didn't you get that from Jim? Well..."

[Quinn resumes slurping Bleach with a silly straw straight from the jug]


	80. Untitled Scene 10-21-13

Daria sighed with relief as she sank into the easy chair in front of the roaring fire, it had been another grueling day of training and now she intended to rest for a minute before hitting the books and then getting some sleep.

Then a voice interrupted her rest.

"Daria?" The hissing cat-like voice spoke from the doorway of her allotted quarters, "J'zargo needs to speak to you but for a moment."

Daria suppressed a sigh and turned her head to look at the young Khajiit mage, "Whatever for?"

"I heard rumor that you are about to travel with Faralda to a recently uncovered tomb in one of the nearby holds."

Daria nodded, "Yes, it's true, but what does this...?"

"J'zargo has been working on something you see," He answered, interrupting her question, "A special flame cloak spell with a twist that makes it useful against Draugr and other undead."

Daria now found herself interested, "That could be handy, but I assume there's a catch?"

J'zargo acknowledge that with a nod, "It still needs to be tested you see, and considering that you might encounter such beings during your travels..."

"Say no more," Daria answered, "I'll test it out, for a price of course."

"There will be a handsome reward, J'zargo can guarantee that."

"Then we have a deal."

J'zargo then smiled a very toothy grin and said, "May you walk on warm sands."


	81. Untitled Scene 10-24-13

"Hey Mom?" Daria spoke up while tugging on her mother's pant leg.

"Yes, dear?" Helen replied, turning off her holoband and glancing down at her three year old daughter.

"I found a funny word while using my EV*, do you know what penicillin is?"

Helen smiled, "Penicillin is a medicine that was once used to treat people when they got sick."

"What's sick?" Daria asked, her face scrunched with confusion.

Helen's smile seemed to become happy and sad all at once and instead of answering she pulled her daughter onto her lap, instinctively patting the back of her neck where she knew that a small device had been surgically place in utero.

"Sick is something that you'll never need to know."

As Daria squirmed her away off of her mother's lap, Helen didn't fight her, lost in thought of the device that her daughter, along with everyone else on Earth now had.

The little machine that had achieved something that no one had ever believed possible, the elimination of all illness from the world.

Forever.

"Yes," Helen whispered softly, "Sick is something that no one will ever need to know ever again."

Her only wish was that it had come a couple months earlier, before the Last Plague, before it...

"Took my Jakey away," She thought sadly as her only daughter slipped away, no doubt to bury herself back into the E.V.

However Helen pushed the sadness away, reminding herself to be grateful that she at least had Daria.

"At least she won't have to suffer," Helen thought with relief, "Her entire generation will be the first to be free from that sort of fear, the fear of dying because of some virus."

She briefly wondered what wonders would come next, but felt confident that she would be around long enough to find out.

_*Education Viewer: A neural interface used to educate children._


	82. Untitled Scene 12-18-13

As Daria gazed her blurry eyes into the laptop screen, another yawn escaped her mouth.

Instead of trying to cover up the sound, she just reached for her glass and took another swig of bourbon.

she wished that she had more energy, but that wasn't possible.

During her time in college it had become painfully obvious that an actual career as a writer would only be viable if she wrote a bestseller, and that journalism wasn't going to cut it since that industry had started to die a hard death with the rise of the Blogosphere.

So Daria had found herself with the sickening, and yet inevitable decision of changing her major.

And now as she put a few more finishing touches on her paper, the last paper she'd ever write for schoolwork, it seemed a tad surreal that it was happening as she typed it.

"At least my parents will be proud at graduation." Daria muttered to herself, trying to see a bright side to all of this, clicking one of the other windows to bring up something that could lift her spirits up a bit.

It was the Sick, Sad World message board, and the comments on her latest bit of fanfic was getting lots of good comments.

She smiled, at least she could still get her message out in little bits even while embarking on a career that would bring in the moola.

Even if her soul died in increments.

But duty called and Daria brought up her paper and looked it over once more before rubbing her eyes and saying to herself that it would probably look better in the morning after some sleep.

She saved it before exiting out of everything and shutting it down.

Then as she flopped around on the bed, shucking off her clothing before pulling up the sheets Daria wondered how quickly she'd wind up like her mother.

"Well taking into account her workaholism I'll give myself some hope and say a decade at least." Daria muttered to herself, on the brink of blissful oblivion but not quite there yet.

As she waited to fall into slumber, Daria briefly wondered if a miracle would happen one day that would let her become a writer without starving to death.

"Doubt it," that voice whispered to her again, "Face it Daria, you'll be stuck helping corrupt corporations cheat on their taxes until you retire."

She then sighed, the lot of most lawyers in the United States.

It's what awaited her, and she was not looking forward to it.

But as she slept the good comments on her story just kept rolling in, waiting to be viewed in the morning.


End file.
